No motivation no ambitions, no wants no heart. Wishing, hoping and dreaming my body will just stop. stop thinking, stop feeling, heart stops, and the nothingness sets in. No more hurt no more being numb no more being worthless to everyone. Just will be gone. No motivation…… no ambition……
In the darkest corners and rooms in my mind i find the emptiness that seems to be in all of my thoughts. Going from loving my children to hating myself and who i am and what i should be for them eats me alive and im not sure if i will make it til they are 18. That number is my goal to live for them. Im not living for myself but for my girls. I know i will take my own life i just havent decided exactly how yet but i guess i have plenty of time to narrow down my options.
If you have ever been trapped in the cage of your own mind you will understand what this blog is all about.
I know i am a worthless wasted piece of space. I know one day i will take my life. I will finally be able to sleep and never have to wake up. I hate myself i hate how fat i am. I hate how lazy i am i hate how alone i am i hate how i have acne all over my body and pick at the pimples and scabs without mercy. I hate that i dint have any clothes that make me attractive or even decent. I hate that i have no idea how to do hair do’s. I hate that i dont parent the way my kids deserve. I hate i cant love tthem or embrace them to take away any doubt that they have about themselves to support who they are becoming. I hate that i dont have a job and that i have to rely on my family to proved for myself and my daughters.
I am a worthless horrible ugly fat disappointment to the world. I just want out i want to not be but i have no choice at this time my daughters only have me since their father doesnt have the time of day or night to give to them. I am their rock and i fail everyday at being so. How can i be their rock when i have no solid ground to sit on the roots to help them grow. My life is misery and i am the empty zombie just going threw the motions until they are old enough to handle losing me. I know i will take my own life i just dont know when. I have moments where i will look around and count my options of ending my emptiness ending my self hate and then my mental list that nobody knows exists grows or i tally which way i will choose since most of my choices are the same when i think about it.
Sfindres to the death that i will find one day and to the future blog posts that are my hollow depression in my soul.