Numb

If you have ever been trapped in the cage of your own mind you will understand what this blog is all about. 

I know i am a worthless wasted piece of space. I know one day i will take my life. I will finally be able to sleep and never have to wake up. I hate myself i hate how fat i am. I hate how lazy i am i hate how alone i am i hate how i have acne all over my body and pick at the pimples and scabs without mercy. I hate that i dint have any clothes that make me attractive or even decent. I hate that i have no idea how to do hair do’s. I hate that i dont parent the way my kids deserve. I hate i cant love tthem or embrace them to take away any doubt that they have about themselves to support who they are becoming. I hate that i dont have a job and that i have to rely on my family to proved for myself and my daughters.  

I am a worthless horrible ugly fat disappointment to the world. I just want out i want to not be but i have no choice at this time my daughters only have me since their father doesnt have the time of day or night to give to them. I am their rock and i fail everyday at being so. How can i be their rock when i have no solid ground to sit on the roots to help them grow. My life is misery and i am the empty zombie just going threw the motions until they are old enough to handle losing me. I know i will take my own life i just dont know when. I have moments where i will look around and count my options of ending my emptiness ending my self hate and then my mental list that nobody knows exists grows or i tally which way i will choose since most of my choices are the same when i think about it. 

Sfindres to the death that i will find one day and to the future blog posts that are my hollow depression in my soul.